eating disorder

Today I’m teaming up with my good friend, Heather Baker, a licensed counselor who specializes in eating disorders. Heather’s passionate about helping others identify and understand unhealthy patterns in their lives, and reach a place of healing. To do this, she started The Center for Hope of Northern Virginia, one of the only outpatient facilities in the United States where someone suffering from an eating disorder has access to counselors, registered dieticians, and holistic therapies like equine and art therapy. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and are estimated to affect 8-10 million Americans, including 1 million boys. Chances are, you’ve known one or two individuals who have struggled with an eating disorder.

As a mother of two girls, I asked Heather to help me compile the top things parents should know to help their children develop a healthy view of their bodies and themselves. Here’s what she has to say:

Do you ever wonder if what you say or do will negatively impact your children in the long-run? Do you question if you’re helping your children reach their full potential? Or maybe missing signs and symptoms of unhealthy patterns?

AAH the stress of trying to be a really good mom! I could write a whole book on this, but let me start with a few of the things I see over and over again from the “couch.”

Starting with the 5 core principles of raising a healthy and functional child.

1. Your child is Valuable – Do they feel that they are precious to you all the time? Not just when they are good or perfect.  Not because they are talented, beautiful, or whatever else pleases you. Remember the day she was born, how in love you felt? And she did nothing to earn it? That should stick throughout their lives. Smile when you see your child, showing genuine interest in what she says or does.
2. Your child is Vulnerable – Just like a baby when your child couldn’t protect herself.  It has been your job to teach her how to be safe, how to stick up for herself, that her “NO” means “NO”, what is appropriate to watch on TV or see in magazine.  Avoid sexually stimulating TV, magazines and music. Avoid exposure to the news on TV, you and your husband’s adult conversations that can be taxing. Always avoid making your problems known to her. Children can and will internalize your problems or will switch the roles and try to help or protect you.
3. Your child is Dependent – She needed you to provide all her basic needs from birth. She needs to know that she can ask for help without feeling shame and to also try things on her own and fail without shame. She will be learning to depend on others when needed and how to take care of herself.
4. Your child is Imperfect – aren’t we all? She was the day she was born and will be until the day she dies. She should never ever feel shame for WHO she is.
5. Your child is Spontaneous.  They are completely open, true to themselves and are who they are. Allow your children to be the age that they are. They are not little adults, they are children. Give them tasks and responsibilities that are age appropriate and will help them feel successful. 

What you can do to raise a Healthy Functional Adult

1.     Treat your child like the valuable human she is. She is not better than anyone else nor is she worse than anyone else. We are all the same, with inherent worth.  Focusing on esteeming your child, never criticizing or name calling.

2.     Give your children positive feedback, don’t only pay attention to areas in which they fall short; they will grow up feeling like they are not good enough.

3.     Don’t encourage perfectionism from them or yourself. Focus on progress, character, and effort. Focus on their successes not the one thing that wasn’t perfect.

4.     Teach your child healthy boundaries. How to keep her safe from people’s words, personal space, and danger. Also teaching her containment – knowing who is safe to share with and when is the right time to share.

5.     Teach your child to take care of herself by appropriate responsibilities. Only sharing with her things that are appropriate to her age. Not sharing aspects of your marriage,  or world system that is beyond her age.

6.     Be available when she needs to be taught, listened to, validated, or needs assistance.

7.     Be emotionally available to your child. If you are numbing out with that second or third glass or wine, struggling with depression, paying more attention to your electronic devices, or other way just not being able to truly attach to your children, get help. Secure attachment with a child’s caregiver is essential.

BIG NO NO’s

1.     Talking about your own dissatisfaction with your body. Children see themselves as a reflection of you.

2.     Being on constant diets. This shows your child that dieting is the norm, and will feel your constant struggle with your own body.

3.     Eating different things at the family dinner. Mom shouldn’t be eating a salad, while dad eats the steak and kids eat the chicken nuggets. As much as possible, everyone should be eating the same types of foods.

4.     Criticizing others appearances, whether they are skinny or overweight. The child can either fear looking like the less desirable or feel that they aren’t good enough.

5.     Putting your child on a diet. Do not put your child on a diet EVER, especially during puberty. During puberty the normal weight gain is around 30 pounds. Girls will either grow up or out until they are finishing developing. Normalize this for them.

6.     Glorifying thinness.  This is an epidemic and very unhealthy for children and adults!

Warning signs that your daughter is at risk for an eating disorder:

1. Family History. Just like alcoholism, eating disorders tend to run in families.
2.  Perfectionistic. Has a lot of “all or nothing” thinking. I am fat or skinny, good or bad, etc.
3. Needing reassurance that she is not fat, ugly. Preoccupation with how she looks and feels negatively.  (I tend to see this start at around the age of 8-10).
4. Change of eating habits. Eating less, hiding food, secretive eating.
5. Wanting to diet and lose weight when she is at a normal weight.
6.  Losing weight when she is at a normal weight or dropping weight fast.
7.  Anxiety around food.
8.  Self-harming (cutting, scratching, hitting self).

A great book to read for moms of girls is Harriet Brown’s Cinderella Ate My Daughter.

Thanks, Heather! This is very helpful for this mama and hopefully helpful for others, too.