When your child is the bully

Bullying. It's a big topic these days. National headlines talk about suicides and mass murders all because of victims of bullying have had enough. Did you see the video of the boy who finally fought back and body slammed the punk who was shoving him and calling him fat?

You can imagine my shock and dismay last week when a mother called me to explain (in a very humble way) that her daughter was coming home on a regular basis crying about things my daughter was saying to her on the playground. I'm not naive, I've seen my daughter with her siblings and know that she can throw her weight around. What I wasn't prepared for was the utterly hateful things she was saying. For example, "You're going to be bullied through high school so you might as well get used to it."

Bullied through high school? By whom? My daughter?

Not if I have anything to do with it.

I pulled said daughter aside from playing with the neighbors and asked her if she was having problems with Girl X. She smirked and said, "Yes." I asked her if she said the phrase above thinking for sure she couldn't have come up with that on her own.

"Yes, but that was weeks ago," she said unfazed.

"How would you feel if someone said that to you? Don't you think that was mean?" I said.

"It wasn't mean. It was advice."   She said this in such a matter of fact way I was stupefied.

I'll admit now to not being a very lovey-dovey mother. It doesn't come natural to me to coddle or smother a person with compassion and nurturing. I'm not saying this is right (in fact I'm trying to work on it daily) but it did make me wince to think her advice might be something I'd say to her.... although I hope I wouldn't say this about bullying. Hopefully it was about chores.

My daughter and I had a little chat about being kind, about how unacceptable all of this behavior is, and  more importantly, why in the world she felt she had to use such unkind words.

"I'm afraid that Girl X is taking my best friend," she said.

We talked about how when we are afraid and sad the answer is not to be mean, but to be honest with our friends and talk things through. I told her the Aesop Fable about the Sun and the Wind. (Please tell me someone else has heard this story..... everyone I've mentioned it to looks at me like I've just sprouted two more heads.) We talked about how "a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."(Proverbs 15:1)

Then I did the only thing I could think of.  I sent her inside to write a letter of apology to Girl X and a letter stating she would no longer participate in bullying to the best friend, who apparently was also mixed up in the whole mess.

We then invited both girls to our house for a play date on Friday. I explained to my daughter (and the other mothers to their daughters) that more than two people can play together. In fact, when it comes to playground fun, the more the merrier. They acted as if they were all best friends and didn't have a care in the world. I'm hoping this positive experience will spill over into recess. A few more play dates might be in order. We'll see.

What would you do if your child were the bully?